


and suddenly, i see you

by immortalmalec



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Inspired by Sleeping At Last, M/M, god they're so in love with each other, life is a bit unfair to ryan bergara but shane makes everything better, overuse of (wheeze), shane calls ryan 'little guy' A LOT, shane is ryan's (not so) imaginary friend, so this is a lot of hurt/comfort and fluff with a dash of angst, some protective!shane because we're all thirsty for it, there's kissing and maybe more if my sinning hands can write it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-05 21:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13396830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortalmalec/pseuds/immortalmalec
Summary: “I know ghosts are real, even though I can’t see them. Just like I know you’renotreal, even though Icansee you.”The cruel irony of it all has been breaking Ryan’s heart for almost twenty long years.orRyan’s imaginary childhood friend stays with him for much longer than just his childhood and is invisible to everyone but Ryan until, one day, he isn’t.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> so i guess i'm really doing this, huh? 
> 
> what i should say before we get into this shitfest is that i can't write grief and i can't write from a child's perspective so naturally, i combined these two things in the first chapter. THAT BEING SAID, let's get into it. 
> 
> i hope no one who works at buzzfeed ever sees this, oh my god.

**Age Six**

The day Ryan Bergara first met Shane was the day he stopped smiling. 

It’s the day his father sits him down with red-rimmed eyes and a shaky voice and says a lot of big words, of which Ryan understands just enough to know what his father is trying to tell him. “Mum’s gone?”, he asks, his voice as small as he feels in that moment. He doesn’t understand much about the world but he understands that the way his father nods means that she’s not coming back. 

Friends and family come over that day and everyone is shaking their heads and crying. Everyone except Ryan. He wants to cry, feels like he should cry but no tears will come. They are all hugging him and telling him that it’s going to be okay and what a brave boy he is and they won’t stop looking at him in that weird way. Like, like they are expecting him to burst into tears any second and don’t know if it would be a good thing or not. Ryan really wants to tell them that that isn’t going to happen, that his eyes are as dry as the cookies his aunt brought. It was the longest day of Ryan’s life. 

His father pulls him aside several times throughout the day, saying things like: “We will get through this as a family” and “I don’t know what’s going to happen but I love you so much” and “It’s alright if you’re scared”. Ryan can tell by the way his dad looks at him that he expects him to have questions. He looks at his father, who hasn’t stopped crying ever since he’d gotten that phone call at just before five that morning. 

_Why are grown-ups so helpless when they are sad?_

He never voices that question out loud because he’s scared it would make his dad even sadder. 

That night, as he hears his father cry himself to sleep in the bedroom next to his own, he finds a boy sitting on his bed. He’s a little older than Ryan and has dark blonde hair that stands in all directions, like no brush in the world could possibly tame it. His jeans are torn and his knees look a little bruised and bloody, like he has just spent all day playing outside and climbing trees. 

He looks up when Ryan walks into the room and smiles at him, revealing a set of slightly crooked teeth. “Hello”, he says with a cheerful voice, “I’m Shane!”. The way he says it makes it sound like he has been waiting for Ryan, which, considering that he is in his bedroom, he probably has. 

“Hello, Shane”, Ryan answers and pulls the sleeves of his striped pyjama top over his palms, as he always does when he’s a little bit shy. “My name is Ryan.” 

Out of all the things that had happened that day, finding a boy he had never seen before in his room was the least strange and surprising, so it doesn’t occur to Ryan at all to even ask where he came from or what he’s doing in his bedroom. And Shane looks like he belongs there. Somehow. 

“It’s really nice to meet you. You have a cool bedroom.”, Shane continues, still smiling that smile that’s practically begging to be returned, but the muscles around Ryan’s mouth just won’t move upwards. 

“Thank you,” he mumbles in response. He can’t really look at Shane for very long, almost like he’s a too bright light in the dark bedroom. 

“You look sad”, Shane observes and the smile drops from his face. Most people, when they stop smiling, look very grim and serious, or, as Ryan had witnessed countless times that day, very upset. Shane’s kindness and friendliness, however, are still all over his face, even after that bright smile vanishes.

Ryan gives a half shrug. He is sad. He will be sad for a long time, he thinks, because he figures that the sadness that comes with losing your mum is just a little too big for a body as small as Ryan’s. A sadness like that needs something bigger to live in. Ryan can only feel so much of all that sadness at once, before he can make room for more. And maybe that’s why he can’t cry, maybe you need to feel a bigger chunk of that sadness before you can cry. Ryan knows very little about how the human body works but that, he decides, seems plausible. 

“My mum died today”, he says eventually and it sounds wrong. It sounds like he just told one of his teachers that he forgot to do his homework. The way his father had told him the same news earlier that morning had seemed appropriate, the heartbreak and pain on his face had matched his words. Ryan frowns and feels stupid. Now Shane will think he’s joking. 

But he still looks at Ryan with that same open and unchanged expression, like he’s waiting for him to continue. Like he overheard every single one of Ryan’s thoughts and is saying _you can share some of that sadness with me, I won’t mind._

“I don’t know what to do”, he finally admits. “I don’t want to see my dad tomorrow, because he’s crying all the time and I don’t know how to act. He said I shouldn’t go to school tomorrow, which is weird. Because I’m not sick, you know?” 

“I think they believe that when you are really sad, you’re basically sick”, Shane explains and cracks a little half-smile. “Grown-ups are weird like that.” 

And Ryan wants to laugh at that because yes, the grown-ups he had talked to that day had all been acting weird. But his face still refuses to cooperate, so what comes out of his mouth is more of a shaky exhale than a laugh.

“It’s called grief and it doesn’t really go away for a while.”, Shane goes on and looks out of the window. “And grief makes people act weird.” 

“How sad do you have to be to call it grief?”, Ryan asks. He’s wondering if, maybe, he’s grieving as well. “I mean…does it only happen when someone dies?” 

Shane seems to be considering that question for a while. “I think”, he starts eventually, slowly, like he’s still making up his mind about what he’s going to say next. “It’s like…a lot of things can make you sad, right? But I guess only very few things can make you so sad that you call it grief. So yes, like when someone dies, for example. So all the people that you saw today, they were grieving. Because they probably all loved your mum very much. The more we love someone, the more we grieve when they, you know, leave.” 

That makes sense to Ryan. It is, in fact, the first thing that made sense to him all day. There are other questions he wants to ask but he can’t find the words for them, doesn’t know how to put all of his confusion and uncertainty into a sentence with a question mark. 

“Are you tired?”, Shane voices, probably realizing that Ryan won’t have any follow-up questions. Ryan nods. He is tired, so incredibly tired and he’s not quite sure if sleep can cure that this time. 

“You should probably go to bed, then. I get the feeling tomorrow’s not going to be an easy day so you’ll need all the energy you can get.”, Shane says kindly and Ryan is glad to see that his smile has returned. 

He nods again and makes his way towards the bed. There’s a cracking sound, painfully loud in the quiet and dark room and Ryan wonders for a moment if that’s his heart breaking – and god, he never thought it would make so much noise – until he realizes it’s just the wooden floorboard creaking under his bare feet. He winces, hoping it didn’t wake up his dad. He would probably be very confused by Shane’s presence. 

When he crawls under his covers, Shane makes no move to abandon his spot on the bed, with his long legs outstretched, ankles crossed, and his back against the headboard.  
It’s… reassuring. Comforting. And Ryan really wants him to stay. 

“Shane?”, he whispers into the dark room. 

“Yes, Ryan?” Shane doesn’t sound sleepy at all. 

“Will you still be here tomorrow?” And, oh. Somehow, that sounded like…like Ryan just put several questions into one. Like he’d taken more questions and placed them under those six words. 

He hears more than sees that smile spread out across Shane’s face. “Of course”, he says immediately and without hesitation. “Where else would I be?”  
And Ryan doesn’t know. He doesn’t know where this boy came from, if someone is waiting for him, because surely, it’s past his bedtime and he should be home, but he’s not going to question it. 

“Okay”, Ryan responds, eyes starting to feel heavy. “I’m glad.” And he hopes Shane knows that if Ryan could, he would be smiling right now. 

He falls asleep within minutes and Shane somehow keeps the darkness away much better than the nightlight on Ryan’s bedside table. 

*

It doesn’t take long for Ryan to figure out that his dad can’t see Shane. 

Initially, Ryan isn’t sure if he should be relieved or disappointed about this. On the one hand, his dad would probably not have appreciated the stranger at the breakfast table but on the other hand, Ryan desperately wanted to tell his dad about his new friend. 

But his dad doesn’t take notice of the boy and Ryan can tell that the sadness is still all over his dad, covering him like a blanket. The same blanket that’s covering Ryan as well, but it doesn’t weigh him down as much anymore, now that he has Shane to share it with. 

At some point after breakfast, his dad gets out pictures of his mum. Some of them are from years ago and she looks younger in them than Ryan ever remembers her looking. Others are very recent, from their vacation to Florida last year. It had been Ryan’s first time on a plane. 

And, oh, they were supposed to spend the summer there again this year, the three of them. 

And it’s the thought of his dad having to call the travel agency and telling them that they won’t be making the trip that finally makes his eyes well up with tears. Because surely, they’re going to ask why? Will his dad even be able to tell them without crying? And suddenly, Ryan feels incredibly sorry for his dad for having to make that call. He’s been on the phone all morning, talking to relatives and having to repeat the same heartbreaking sentences over and over again and it doesn’t seem fair to Ryan that his dad now has to call some strangers in some office, asking them if he could still cancel the vacation. 

A little tear drops from his eyelashes onto one of the photos and he looks up, almost surprised by his own tears. Shane sits next to him, eyeing him with concern and, of course, kindness. “What is it?”, he asks, carefully and with a soft voice. “We’re not going to Florida this year.”, Ryan replies, deadpan. And, no, that’s not what he means. He doesn’t really care about Florida but he doesn’t think he can reach deep enough inside himself to pull out the words he actually wants to say. 

“What?”

Ryan looks up, confused. His father is looking at him with an unreadable expression. Okay, so maybe this is a weird first reaction to get from your son after 24 hours, Ryan realizes. And his dad doesn’t know that he was talking to Shane. 

“I – I just realized… Because this picture is from uh, from last year. When we were there. In Florida, I mean. W-with mum.”, he brings out with an unsteady voice. And his dad doesn’t ask, doesn’t mention that this is maybe a weird thing to finally trigger his tears. Instead, he just comes over and hugs Ryan, hugs him for longer than anyone has ever hugged Ryan. And now they’re both crying and Ryan peeks over his dad’s shoulder to see Shane looking at them with a little smile that’s tinged with sadness as well. And that, that’s just not okay. “Please don’t cry”, he whispers. “Not you, too.” 

His dad pulls away a bit, looking at Ryan a little confused. “You know that it’s okay to cry, right? We’re both allowed to, I think.”, he says kindly.

Ryan shakes his head and wipes away some of his tears. “No, not you. I meant Shane.”, he responds, and that’s when he realizes that it’s the first time he’s mentioned his new friend to his dad. He really could’ve chosen a better moment.

“Who’s Shane, buddy?”, his dad asks and his voice sounds weird all of a sudden. Like he’s trying very hard to make it sound as normal as he can. 

Ryan points over his dad’s shoulder. “Shane, my new friend. I met him last night.” 

His father turns around, very slowly and takes a very deep breath. Shane looks a little lost, like he doesn’t know how to react in this situation. He shoves one of his hands into his dirty blonde hair, maybe in a hopeless attempt to tame it somehow. 

“Okay”, his dad says, eventually. And it’s still that weird, empty voice. “Shane.” He says his name like it’s a word he’s trying out for the first time. 

“And uh, Shane’s here with us?”

Oh. So his dad still can’t see him. Somehow, Ryan had thought that once he pointed Shane out to his dad, he would notice him as well. And, this is weird. It’s all weird. Why in the world can’t his dad see Shane?

He looks over to his friend, who just shrugs, looking every bit as helpless as Ryan himself feels. 

“Yes?”, Ryan replies, voice small. And it’s not meant to come out as a question, but it does. 

His dad presses his face into his hand for several seconds, taking another few deep breaths. “Okay”, he says again. “Okay.” Then he looks back at Ryan, with a smile that seems a little bit forced. “Why don’t you stay here for a moment with…uhm, with Shane. And show him some of the pictures. Daddy needs to make another quick phone call.” He pats Ryan on the shoulder twice and then leaves the kitchen. The way his dad is gripping the phone, Ryan is a little scared he might break it. 

*

“No, god. Fuck, no. I don’t know?! He just said he met him last night. And just now he was in our kitchen, apparently. Jesus, I mean…Should I be worried?” 

So, yeah. When your parent tells you to stay somewhere because they have to make a phone call, it’s hard not to eavesdrop. And Ryan makes a mental note to remind his dad that he shouldn’t be swearing.

“But like, how should I react? I mean, god…Do I like, talk to him? Acknowledge him? Shit, I have absolutely no idea how this works. This is the last thing I need right now!” 

Another swear word.

His dad sounds frustrated and Ryan suspects they’re talking about Shane. So apparently it’s a big deal that his dad can’t see him. It’s a little rude, the way he’s talking about him and Ryan worries that Shane might have to leave. 

“And just…what? Ask him if he knows that he’s imagining it? What if he really thinks he’s real?”  
And Ryan wishes he’d never told his dad about Shane, because all of this sounds so very, very bad and his dad sounds so upset. 

He ends the phone call soon after that. And he’s crying again and Ryan can only hope that he didn’t somehow cause this. 

*

The thing is, once his dad explains to him what’s happening, it actually makes sense. And Ryan is perfectly fine with the fact that Shane, apparently, is “imaginary”. It’s a big word, one Ryan hasn’t really used before. And now his dad is using it to describe Shane. 

“So, I’m glad you have Shane and he can stay here with you for a while, if that would make you happy. I just want you to know that he lives here”, his dad says, and nudges his index finger softly against Ryan’s forehead. “Which is why no one else will be able to see him or talk to him. He can still be your friend, though. But you invented him, you know? You created him. You understand?”

Ryan’s not 100% sure he understands. “So he’s not real?” 

“To you, he is. But he’s not real like the rest of us, like you and me. But a lot of people have friends like that, at some point. It’s just… he exists in your head, but not really in this world. And it’s important that you understand the difference.”, his dad explains, calmly. His eyes are focused on Ryan, like he’s observing his face for a reaction. 

Ryan looks at Shane. Shane, who just appeared out of nowhere last night, who he had never seen before, who doesn’t seem to have a home somewhere else and who can’t be seen by anyone but him, apparently. And okay, so he might not be _real_ real. But Ryan doesn’t need him to be. He doesn’t need anyone else to see him to know that he’s there. And he might not really know what his dad is trying to say, it all seems a bit too big and complicated to him, but he knows that Shane is his friend and everything else seems kind of unimportant. 

And so, Shane stays.

Some people give Ryan odd looks when he talks to Shane but he quickly understands that it’s because they all can’t see him. His dad then tries to explain it to them and then they all nod understandingly and with forced smiles. 

Ryan spends his days missing his mum, more than he ever thought he could miss someone. And it makes his heart hurt to think that he will have to miss her forever, because she’s not coming back. And it’s like that knowledge tugs at the corners of his moth and pulls them down, because he still can’t smile. He can’t smile when he sees his family members who he hasn’t seen in months, or when Shane tells one of his lame jokes and can’t finish it because he has to start laughing halfway through. 

He doesn’t know if he’s doing it right, the whole grief thing that Shane told him about the first night they met. He wishes sometimes that someone would tell him what to do, how to work through the next chunk of sadness, how to make it stop sitting on his chest at night and making it so hard to breathe.

Sometimes, Shane tells him stories at night. Stories that Ryan thinks sound familiar, like he’s heard them before but can’t remember where or when. He falls asleep a little easier those nights. 

“I hope”, Ryan says to Shane one evening, sitting on his windowsill and drinking hot chocolate. “that we can always be friends.” 

Shane tilts his head and looks at him, a little bit of moonlight reflecting in his eyes. He’s quiet for a long time and Ryan almost thinks that he’s not going to answer anything, when Shane clears his throat.

“I don’t know if I can promise you that.” 

“But you will always be here, right?”, Ryan asks, maybe a little desperately. And he doesn’t know where this is coming from, but he’s worried, suddenly, that one day he will stop seeing Shane as well. That he will stop existing. 

And Shane looks at him again, a little pained, like he knows he can’t really give Ryan the answer he wants to hear. And Ryan wants to hear him say that they will be friends forever, that Shane will always be there. What he says instead is:

“You’ll never be alone, Ryan.”

And that…that could mean so many things. He doesn’t know if that means that Shane will stay. But Shane has never lied to him, and he always makes so much sense to Ryan with everything he’s said. So Ryan doesn’t question it, doesn’t ask how Shane can possibly know that for sure. Instead, he holds out his hand and asks: “Pinky promise?” 

Shane throws his head back and chuckles. It’s Ryan’s favourite sound in the world. 

He intertwines his own pinky finger with Ryan’s and replies: “Pinky promise.”

*

It happens three weeks and five days after his mum died.

He’s sitting in the kitchen with his dad and Shane when his dad pulls out the picture Ryan spilled his first tear on all these weeks ago. 

“Remember when you said that we couldn’t go to Florida anymore?”, he asks.

Ryan looks at the picture and nods.

“Well, I think we should. I don’t think mum would want you to spend your summer at home, would she?” He smiles at Ryan encouragingly. 

“You didn’t cancel it?”, Ryan asks and thinks back to that horrible phone call he thought his dad would have to make and how it had seemed like the cruellest thing in the world. 

“No, I want the two of us to go. If you’re still up for it, of course.” 

Ryan nods again and feels a little speechless. Of course he wants to go. He looks at the picture of his mum again, smiling happily on a beach somewhere in Florida, looking the way she always will in Ryan’s memories. 

And Ryan feels something tug at the corners of his mouth, feels them lift up just enough to call it a smile.

The next day, Shane is gone.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uh, i'm actually really enjoying writing this. thanks to everyone who has left kind comments on the first chapter, yall are the real mvps.
> 
> anyway, let's dive right into it, shall we?

**Age 12**

Middle school, Ryan comes to realize very quickly, sucks. 

He has never been one of the cool kids, has never been what you would call ‘popular’, but the thing is, before middle school, you don’t have to give a shit about that. But somehow, the number of friends you have suddenly starts to matter when you leave elementary school. And Ryan has approximately zero friends, since the ones he’s had in elementary school have all gone off to a different new school. 

And he knows that it’s, at least partly, because he looks different. He’s always been aware of that fact, has never been able to not notice it, but never quite as brutally as he does with his new classmates. On good days, they simply ignore him. On bad days, they will shout ugly words at Ryan across the school yard and maybe push him around a little bit. They almost never hit him hard enough to leave bruises but always hard enough to let him know that they easily could. 

Ryan, for all that he’s never been popular, feels lonely for the first time in his life. He thinks about asking his dad if he could change to a different school but soon decides that it’s not going to change the way he looks different from almost everyone else. And he doesn’t want to make the other guys from his class feel like they somehow won this…whatever it is. And he’s many things, but he’s not a coward and he knows that that’s what they’ll call him if he just decides not to come to school anymore. And oh, coward would be much worse than the names they’re already calling him. 

Ryan is on his way home, thinking about how he’s going to explain his soaked and torn up jeans to his dad. One of his classmates had “accidentally” stumbled into Ryan and pushed him into a puddle, effectively ruining his favourite pair of jeans. His palms are scraped up and little pieces of gravel are still stuck to the open wounds. He hasn’t really checked his knees yet but imagines they don’t look much better. He sighs and starts rummaging around in his pockets to find his key when he looks up and sees someone sitting on the front porch steps to his house.

They lock eyes for a moment and Ryan is hit with a surge of familiarity. It feels like the moment when you watch your favourite childhood move again for the first time in years and you somehow still remember every single line. The feeling is so intense that Ryan stops in his tracks and just stares at the stranger. Because that’s what he is, the boy, no, the young man, sitting casually in front of him. He must be a couple of years older than Ryan, definitely in high school. Ryan can tell from how his knees are bent at an awkward angle that he must be tall, probably at least a good head taller than Ryan. He’s got a nice face with soft features that he still kind of needs to grow into before you could really call him attractive. And Ryan doesn’t recognize him. Except that he does. He’s only ever met one person in his life whose eyes look like sun-touched amber.  
But no, Ryan knows for a fact that that’s not possible. 

“Hey,” he finally says, hesitantly and with a frown on his face. The stranger’s face lights up a little at that, and shit, Ryan feels like he’s six years old again, lost and confused, standing in his bedroom and seeing that smile for the very first time. But it cannot be. It’s literally impossible and now he hates this guy a little bit for reminding him so much of someone Ryan has been quietly missing for six years. 

“Hi, Ryan. How have you been?” The stranger’s voice is deep and gentle and…what? What kind of question is that? Who _is_ this guy? And how dare he have a voice that’s so soft and full of kindness, almost tricking him into thinking it’s the same one that used to tell him stories until he fell asleep. 

“I don’t…Do I know you?” he asks and he’s aware of how his voice is wavering. 

Sha- the guy, he chuckles. “I should hope so. I know it’s been a while but I haven’t changed _that_ much, have I?” He raises his bushy eyebrows in a way that’s almost challenging and his words are laced with gentle mockery. 

“Who are you? What are you doing here?” And Ryan is getting a little desperate now, because he really needs to hear this guy say that he’s a distant cousin or someone he met on vacation years ago. Just…anything, anything but the name that’s now circling around in Ryan’s head in all capital golden letters. 

And he’s smiling now, like he was waiting for this question. “I promised, didn’t I?” he says and yeah, Ryan is definitely losing his mind. Because it simply cannot be. It _cannot_. 

“Who. Are. You.” And he has to take a small breath after each word, like he’s forgotten how to breathe normally. 

And the stranger looks at him with so much warmth, like he’s got a furnace behind his eyes and a soft smile is spreading out on his face in slow motion and Ryan _can't stand it_. 

“It’s me,” he finally says, shaking his head a little in a sort of amused disbelief, like he can’t understand how Ryan hasn’t figured it out yet. “It’s your Shane.”

And Ryan knows it’s true, knows it in his very bones, with all the atoms that make up his body. A million thoughts are racing through Ryan’s head and for some stupid reason, the first that catches his attention is: _How the hell can an imaginary friend grow up?_ Soon followed by _I am definitely losing my mind_.

He’s still staring at Shane, still taking in every inch of this guy that confirms what he just said. It’s in his face, in his eyes and his smile, _his goddamn smile_. This is Shane, _his_ Shane. The same Shane that he conjured up so many years ago, out of confusion and loneliness and helplessness. 

And Ryan remembers a windowsill and hot chocolate and two pinky-fingers and..

_You’ll never be alone, Ryan._

And Ryan understand now. The confusion, the loneliness, the helplessness…He’s been feeling these things again ever since he started middle school. _You’ll never be alone, Ryan,_ Shane had promised. But never in a million years would Ryan have thought that this is what he’d meant by that. 

He’s still trying to wrap his head around the fact that his imaginary childhood friend is back and has aged and grown and _how is that even possible_ , when Shane stands up and, Jesus Christ, that’s got to be at least 80% legs. 

“Come on,” he says, “Let’s get inside. It’s getting a bit chilly.” 

Ryan starts walking towards him because, really, what else is he supposed to do? He doesn’t take his eyes off of Shane for even a second, fearing that he will disappear again any moment. And maybe he should. Maybe it would be best if Shane doesn’t stay and complicate Ryan’s life in ways he probably can’t even imagine yet. But as soon as that thought has crossed his mind, Ryan knows that that’s not going to happen, that even if he could, he would not send Shane away. Never in a million years. 

*

He doesn’t really know what he expects when he greets his dad but of course he still can’t see Shane, and Ryan can’t decide if he’s more disappointed or relieved about that. 

He understands the concept of imaginary friends much better now than he did when he was younger. And he knows that there’s no way he’s going to tell his dad about Shane’s return. He remembers all too well the look on his dad’s face when he first found out that his son has an invisible friend, and he can’t imagine that he would react well to this. When your six year old son who just lost his mum has an imaginary friend, it’s one thing. But Ryan is 12 now and definitely long passed the age where it’s acceptable to have a pretend friend. So he doesn’t say a word about Shane when he sits down in his chair and kicks off his shoes. 

“Oh no, Ryan,” his dad says when he sees the state of his hands and knees. “What happened, buddy?” 

Ryan looks down at his dirty and bloodied palms. Oh right, he’d completely forgotten about that. 

“I, uh. I fell on the way home. It’s no big deal. Looks worse than it is,” he responds and out of the corner of his eye, he can see Shane raising his eyebrows in a way that says _Yeah, right._

“Does it hurt very much?" his dad asks, carefully peeling back the sleeves of his sweater. Ryan shakes his head. “We should get those cleaned up, I think I’ve got some band aids in the cupboard."

Ryan sits still as his dad carefully plugs out the tiny pieces of gravel. He is completely focused on the task and Ryan uses the opportunity to just stare at Shane again. And he wonders now how earlier he managed to convince himself for even a second that this guy isn't Shane. Because it’s undeniable. This is undeniably Shane and he is undeniably back and Ryan lets that knowledge sink in, trying to figure out what the hell that means for him. It’s definitely not normal and, from a psychological point of view, probably a cause for concern. 

But Ryan, when he looks past how wrong and weird and confusing the situation is, is also incredibly happy. It would be a lie if he said that he hadn’t spent the last six years of his life missing Shane, wishing he could come back, wishing he could be _real_. And now, somehow, Shane is back and Ryan doesn’t know how or why and he thinks he might get a headache if he tries to wrap his head around it, tries to explain it. So he just doesn’t. Shane is here and, just like six years ago, everything else seems kind of unimportant.

*

“You know,” Shane starts, sitting on Ryan’s bed in an exact replica of that night he first met him. “Those guys at school, the ones who did that to you,” he points at Ryan’s hands, all patched up in band aids, “You shouldn’t let them.”

Ryan scoffs at that. “Well, what can I do? They’re stronger and taller than me, and there’s, like, four of them. I’d probably be in more trouble if I started to defend myself.” 

Shane frowns in disapproval. “There’s so many things wrong with that. They’re not just going to stop. You know that, right? Unless you do something. And Ryan, you don’t deserve this, no one does. No one has the right to just treat other people like that, no matter how strong or tall or whatever. And I know you probably hope that at some point they will get bored if you don’t fight back and yeah, maybe they will. But what happens then? They will find someone else and they will do the same thing over and over again.” 

Okay, so this version of Shane obviously has a lot more to say and Ryan’s not sure how he feels about that. “So what can I do, in your opinion?” 

“You can stop lying to your dad, for starters,” Shane says and Ryan thinks back to the encounter in the kitchen. “You might be a clumsy kid but do you really think your dad will believe you if you come home every week with a new bruise, saying that you fell or whatever?” 

And Ryan knows that Shane is right, because of course he is. He’s always right. “I’m just a bit…ashamed, you know?” he admits. “And I guess I know that that’s stupid, because it’s not like, my fault or anything.” But the thought of having to admit to his dad that he’s being bullied is almost unbearable and Ryan knows it will break his dad’s heart a little. 

“I’m also a bit scared. Because what if it gets worse when they find out that I told someone?” 

“Ryan,” Shane says, and it comes out as a sigh. “I know you, okay? And I know what you're made of. And I promise you that these guys are much, much less scarier than what you had to fight six years ago when your mum died. There’s literally nothing in this world that you’re not brave enough to face.” 

And here’s the thing; when Shane tells him something, then Ryan will believe it. Shane could say absolutely anything with that gentle conviction in his voice and Ryan wouldn’t doubt it. 

Ryan contemplates Shane’s words for a while and yeah, he hates being the chosen target of the guys in his class but he knows he would hate it even more if it was someone else in his place. And Shane’s right. What if one day they find someone else, someone who’s a little easier to break than Ryan? And no, he can’t let that happen.

“So what should I do?” he asks and looks back at Shane and god, he will probably never understand how someone can look so kind and soft. Shane’s mouth warps into a little encouraging smile. 

“I think you know the answer to that. Have courage, little guy.” 

*

“So yeah. I didn’t fall, someone pushed me. And it wasn’t the first time. This has been going on for a while. And it’s…I’m okay, but it’s not really good? At school, I mean. And I didn’t want you to worry, because I know you will. But yeah…That’s just, it kind of sucks.” 

It’s quiet for a while after Ryan’s confession. His dad isn’t looking at him but Ryan can tell that he’s having a hard time processing what he just told him.  
When he looks up again, his face is full of sadness and anger and disappointment. 

“You’re being bullied at school? Why didn’t you tell me?” And he looks so genuinely upset that Ryan doesn’t have the heart to point out to him that he literally just said why. 

“I guess I didn’t want you to be worried?” 

His father lets out a humourless laugh. “Well, yeah. I am now. You should have come to me sooner, Ryan. You don’t have to deal with these things by yourself, you know that, right? I can help you with this, this doesn’t have to go any further.” 

Ryan steals a glance to where Shane is standing in the doorway, smiling back at him approvingly. 

His dad pulls him into a quick but tight hug and says: “Don’t worry, buddy. We’ll figure this out. On Monday, I’ll talk to your teacher. You shouldn’t be scared to go to school.” Ryan nods but he’s still worried about the consequences this might have. He’s worried that these kids will always find a way to be cruel. But he’s also relieved, because at least now he’s not alone in this anymore. He can feel the burden of this secret lifting from his tiny shoulders. 

“It’s gonna be fine, I promise,” his dad says, ruffling his short black hair. “And I’m so glad you told me. What made you change your mind now?”

“Oh, well,” Ryan replies and his eyes flicker back to the doorway, where Shane is still smiling at him with warmth and affection and what looks like pride. And Ryan can’t not smile back. “I guess I finally found my courage.”

*

Ryan feels anxious walking to school on Monday. Shane is right next to him, matching his giant steps to Ryan’s much smaller ones. “Are you worried?” he asks after a while. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Ryan replies with a sigh. He knows that his dad will be calling his teacher sometime in the next few hours. He has no idea what’s going to happen after that, how the guys from his class are going to react. 

“You’re doing the right thing, Ry. I’m proud of you,” Shane says softly, and it makes Ryan feel a little bit more brave. He makes a sound that's half-agreeing and half-dismissing. “I mean it! And hey, if they try anything, I’ve got a mean right hook!” Ryan chuckles at that, shooting an incredulous glance at Shane’s ridiculously long limbs. “Dude, with arms that long, I don’t trust your hand-eye coordination at all."

“Eh, fair enough,” Shane responds, seemingly content that he at least got a little laugh out of Ryan. “I don’t think you need anyone defending you, anyway. You’ve got this.” 

Ryan takes another look at Shane’s face that is all kindness and warmth and seems to only know how to smile. “Also,” he says, “I don’t think you could look intimidating even if you tried.” 

“Uhh, excuse me, little guy?” Shane puts a large hand on his chest in mock offence. “I can be intimidating. When I put all six feet four into it, you don’t wanna mess with me.” 

Ryan laughs again, shaking his head. 

“I can be intimidating,” Shane says again, quiet this time. “You know, if you need me to be.” And he sounds so honest that Ryan doesn’t really know what to say, but just the idea of Shane trying to harden all his soft features to protect Ryan from the bad guys makes him feel a little safer. He tries not to think about the fact that no one will ever be intimidated by Shane, no matter how hard he tries, since no one but Ryan can see him. They approach the school and Ryan doesn’t say another word, because he really doesn’t need anyone thinking that he’s talking to himself. But Shane’s presence next to him is steady and constant and calms Ryan down all the way to his classroom. 

He is being summoned to his teacher’s office a little while later and he shoves his hands into his pockets to stop them from shaking. He has no idea what to expect. When he gets to the office, he sees another boy sitting in front of her desk, looking just as anxious as Ryan feels. He has never seen the kid before, but he looks to be around the same age as him. 

“Ryan,” his teacher, Ms. Wallace, says when she sees him. “Please, come in.” Ryan sits down, a little nervous, and sneaks another glance at the sandy haired boy to his left. He can feel Shane standing behind him, solid like a wall. 

“Ryan, this is Zack. It seems like you’re not the only one who’s been through a bit of a tough time thanks to your classmates lately." Ryan looks up at that and wonders where this is going. "That’s two of you now telling me that they’ve been bullied by the same people, which is unacceptable. I’m glad both of you decided to speak up and I can promise you that this will have consequences for them. I don’t want anyone feeling unsafe in this school.” 

Ryan looks at Zack, surprised and confused and thinks that he looks like he should be one of the popular kids. He looks perfectly normal, like he should have no problems fitting in. And he feels sorry for him because god, no one should have to feel the way Ryan felt throughout this whole thing. 

Zack clears his throat. “I was always a bit too scared, I guess, to say anything about it. So I’m really glad that you did,” he says and turns to Ryan. “Because it made me feel like I can do that too, you know? I mean, I don’t think I would have been able to say anything if you hadn’t stepped up first.” He wrings his hands in his lap, like he's still nervous about the whole situation. 

And Ryan understands him so well because he’d felt the same until Shane convinced him to break his silence. “I had no idea I wasn’t the only one,” he says. “That sucks.” Zack pulls his lips into a tight line and nods.

“Like I said,” Ms. Wallace interrupts and Ryan directs his attention back to her. “We’re aware of this issue now and we will take action. If anything like this happens again, I want you to come straight to me, okay?” Ryan and Zack nod their heads in sync and she dismisses them soon after that.

Closing the door after them, Zack turns to him and clears his throat again. “Hey, uh. Ryan, was it?” 

“Yeah, hi.” And Ryan thinks this is already the longest conversations he’s ever had with another kid at this school without being insulted. 

“Uhm, I just wanted to say thanks again. Like I said, I never would have had the guts to be the first to say something about their shitty behaviour. So, I’m really glad that you did.”

Ryan smiles at that and looks over at Shane, who gives him a thumbs up and winks.  
“Yeah, I’m glad I did, too.”

*

Ryan and Zack end up sitting together at lunch that day. Which is, as it turns out, a first for both of them. They talk about sports and their favourite teams and Ryan gets excited when Zack mentions that he’s really interested in film making as well. He didn’t know how much he’d missed having someone his own age to talk to until now and Ryan think it’s true, what they say, about how your enemies’ enemies are your friends. 

Zack invites Ryan to hang out over the weekend, excitedly saying something about a camera he’d gotten for Christmas and how you can make amazing movies with it. "Seriously, Ryan. You've got to check it out!" And Ryan is almost confused by how _easy_ it all is. If he had known that this would be the outcome, he would have told his dad about his problems at school ages ago.

Ryan can’t stop smiling on the way home and for the first time in months, he’s looking forward to going to school the next day. “Today has been a really good day,” he tells Shane decidedly and looks up at his tall friend. “Thank you.” The list of things he wants to thank Shane for is a long one, and he's not entirely sure which one he's referring to in that moment but he doesn't bother to explain, simply assuming Shane will just know, as he always does.

And Shane, of course, smiles at him. “No problem, little guy.” 

And Ryan goes to sleep that night, content and relaxed, knowing that, whatever happens at school, he won’t have to face it alone anymore. He’s got Zack now and he feels like they’re in this together now.

The next day, Ryan’s anxiety and loneliness are gone.

And so is Shane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm guessing the pattern here is clear now?


	3. Chapter Three

**Age Sixteen**

Ryan was 14 the first time it happened.

It was the summer before high school and he’d decided to let himself hope that it would be better, easier and overall more bearable than middle school, even though Zack had made the last two years of his life significantly easier, the two of them spending practically every day together.

That summer, Zack’s cousin Flynn came to visit him. He was two years older than Zack and Ryan and, according to Zack, he was “the coolest dude ever”.   
Apparently that entailed muscles, a hint of facial hair and a pair of glasses that would look ridiculous on everyone else but made Flynn look like a bored genius. 

Ryan remembers seeing him for the first time and thinking _Oh shit_. 

The kind of _Oh shit_ that he’d until then only experienced when that pretty girl from his history class had asked him for help with homework that one day. 

Ryan swallowed heavily and probably made a complete fool of himself when Zack introduced him to Flynn. Ryan doesn’t really recall what must’ve been a really awkward and embarrassing conversation, but he was too focused on his mind reeling with the realisation that, in that moment, he was definitely, undeniably attracted to a boy. 

He tried to avoid Flynn after that for the rest of the summer, both out of embarrassment and also because he hoped that, in doing so, he could pretend that this wasn’t a thing, him being attracted to a boy. Because he definitely wasn’t ready for what that would mean. 

He went off to high school and joined the football team, which apparently is a fail-safe way to become respected, if not downright popular. It earned him the attention of several girls, who were all interesting and good-looking and Ryan enjoyed their company and there was no way he could deny how his stomach twisted in the best way possible, how his heart beat a little faster, when he had his first kiss with a girl called Mia in a friend’s tree house after a particularly successful football game. 

He dated Mia for a while, because high school is easy like that. And he doesn’t think he was in love, doesn’t think she was either, but he liked her a lot and she was smart and beautiful and it was probably as good as first relationships can get. 

None of that changed the fact that sometimes, Ryan wished one of the boys would walk up to him the way the girls did and ask him what he was up to that weekend. 

*

“Have you thought about college and shit?” 

Ryan looks up from his study notes that he’d only been scanning half-heartedly anyway. It’s the end of sophomore year and Ryan and Zack are desperately trying to figure out how to squeeze an entire semester worth of study material into two weeks. 

Zack’s question catches him off guard, because no, he hasn’t really thought about college at all yet. For the past few years, he’s just been telling himself that when the time comes, he’ll know what he wants to do. And college is still two years away, so he figures he still has some time to make up his mind.

“Nah, not really. Why? Have you?” 

Zack looks up from where he’s lying on the floor, books and pieces of paper scattered around him like a mosaic. 

“Not like, specific colleges or universities. But I know I want to do something with film. I mean, it’s the only thing that I would actually enjoy studying, you know? Turning your hobby into a career, and all that.” 

And that’s not surprising at all, Ryan thinks. Because Zack might be even more into filmmaking than he is, and that says a lot. And Zack is so creative and skilled and passionate about everything film production related that Ryan really can’t see him doing anything else.

He wishes he had that kind of direction, but all he feels when he thinks about career and college is overwhelmed. Sure, he’s super interested in film as well, but he also loves history and he considers himself to be pretty good at football, and all of these things open up opportunities that he could potentially follow after high school. And for the thousandth time, Ryan thinks that 18 is just way too fucking young to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life.

He’s already getting stressed, so he decides to change the conversation to a topic that he knows Zack with latch onto.

“So, how are things going with Lucy?” he asks and immediately sees Zack’s face light up. And Ryan feels an ugly little twist of jealousy in his stomach. He can’t help it. He’s incredibly happy for his best friend, but he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have someone who makes you so happy that the mere mention of their name literally makes your face glow. 

_But you know what that’s like_ , a little voice in his head says and Ryan ignores it, ignores it like he ignores everything that tries to remind him of Shane and the bottomless bitter disappointment he’d felt when he’d woken up four years ago to find that Shane had disappeared again. And Ryan had been so angry at that, because Shane was his imagination, so why the fuck couldn’t he find a way to make him stay? And he’s aware of how wrong and twisted that is, to want your imaginary childhood friend to stay with you, but he couldn’t help it. 

He’d stopped waiting for Shane after a year had passed. It had become too exhausting, always looking out for that painfully familiar face, hoping that some event in his life would trigger Shane to come back to him. But he never did, and Ryan never got used to that longing in his chest. Not ever, not really.

“Man, she’s so amazing! I know it sounds like a fucking cliché, but she’s literally all I think about. And like, I know it’s obviously way too soon to talk like this, but I always think about us going to college together and stuff. And yeah, that’s insane, I know. But right now that’s just how it feels, you know?”

And Zack looks so happy that Ryan can’t even bring himself to make fun of him for thinking his high school girlfriend is the love of his life. He smiles at his best friend, happy that at least one of them knows how to get things right.

“What about you, then?” Zack asks, as if he overheard Ryan’s thoughts. “Any girls I should know about? Any boys?” 

Zack is the only one who knows that Ryan is bisexual. It had taken him a while to get comfortable with the term, after he’d realised that “probably not straight” wasn’t really defined enough for him anymore. 

He’d been terrified to tell Zack, worried that his best friend would see him differently and what that would do to their friendship. But they had made a pact to have each other’s back through no matter what, and Ryan had figured that if he couldn’t tell Zack, he could probably never tell anyone. 

It had been during a game of Mario Kart and after one too many beers when he’d finally worked up the courage to say it. He’d paused the game, that he had been losing anyway, and said: “By the way, I like boys.” 

Zack had smiled to himself for a second, like he had been waiting for this, before turning to Ryan. “Yeah, I figured. Thank you for telling me, I know this must be a big deal for you.” 

Ryan had been so surprised by that, that Zack had apparently known all this time. And then he’d been overcome by a wave of relief and affection so strong that he’d flung himself across the floor to tackle Zack to the ground in a bone-crushing hug. Because Zack had known, and he’d never treated him any differently. And he’d never asked, never pushed, had apparently just been waiting for Ryan to be brave enough to say it. 

It’s been easier since then, and Zack is always rooting for Ryan with the same excitement and enthusiasm, whether he’s dating a boy or a girl. Not that he’s done much of either lately. Partly because it’s not exactly easy, dating a boy when you’re not really out to anyone but your best friend. He tells Zack the same thing, who just nods with a strained smile. 

They go quiet again after that, both pretending to go back to their study notes, but Ryan can tell that Zack is just as unfocused as he is. 

“Are you ever gonna tell your dad?” Zack asks after a while, “That you’re bi? It would probably make the whole dating thing a bit easier.” 

Ryan swallows heavily. They’ve had this conversation before, more than once. Zack know that Ryan wants to tell his dad about this more than anything, hoping to be met with the same understanding and support that Zack had so easily offered. But he doesn’t really know how. Every time he thinks he’s ready and opens his mouth, the words refuse to come out, trapped in his throat by fear and uncertainty. 

Because, what if his dad can’t accept it? What if it matters to his dad whether he falls in love with a boy or a girl? He will never be able to un-tell his secret, and he’s so scared to lose his dad because of it.

He rubs a hand over his face. “I want to, and I wish I could. But it’s like I physically can’t do it. My stupid mouth refuses to cooperate whenever I try to talk about it.” 

“Your dad is the coolest dad I know, Ryan. And I’m, like, 99% sure that he’ll understand. And I know it’s easy for me to say this, because I’m not in your situation, but I really don’t think you have anything to be afraid of.” 

Rationally, Ryan knows that. Rationally, he’s pretty positive that his dad would never reject him for this. But the irrational side of his brain, filled with anxiety and worst-case-scenarios, refuses to listen to that. 

“Yeah,” he responds weakly, not even bothering to hide his lack of enthusiasm. “Maybe this summer.” 

And he knows that, in his head, Zack is probably calling him out on his bullshit. Because it doesn’t fucking matter if it’s summer, or winter, or any other season. It doesn’t change anything. Rising temperatures and a few extra hours of daylight won’t make him more brave. 

Zack sighs, knowing exactly that Ryan doesn’t plan on actually telling his dad anytime soon. “You know I wish I could like, do this for you. You have my full support and everything, but at the end of the day, you have to know when you’re ready,” he says and smiles at Ryan encouragingly. “But for what it’s worth, I think you _are_ ready.” 

And Ryan thinks it’s not a question of whether he’s ready or not, but if his dad is. 

He makes a noise that could probably mean a hundred different things, but Zack doesn’t comment on it. They chat a bit more about school and summer after that, but as always when the topic of coming out to his dad comes up, he can’t really stop thinking about it. 

He’s still contemplating it on his way home, going through the conversation in his head and thinking about all the possible outcomes. He’s rehearsed what he wants to say a million times and has thought about pretty much every response his dad could possibly have but he feels like he’s still lightyears away from actually going through with it. 

It’s been a warm day, with summer lingering just around the corner and already stretching out its fingers, but now that the sun has mostly disappeared from the sky, it has started to cool down significantly and Ryan is shivering slightly in his thin hooded sweatshirt. 

He rounds a corner, too caught in his thoughts to really watch where he’s going, and promptly runs into a streetlight. Except no, his head doesn’t hurt enough for it to have been a streetlight. He looks up and his eyes land on a chest that belongs to a tall lanky figure. 

“Oh, shit. Fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t watch where I-“ The words die in his throat as his eyes roam up to the man’s face. 

This time, there’s no initial moment of second-guessing or denial, like there was four years ago. This time, Ryan knows it, _sees_ it, instantly. Sees it in the downward turn of his eyes and his knowing smile. He can even feel it in the way his hand burns through Ryan’s sweater, where it rests on his biceps to steady him. 

It’s Shane. Shane is _here_. Shane is _back._

He’s definitely aged again, with a hint of facial hair, a sharper jawline, and he’s a little taller – and Ryan wonders how that is even possible – but he still looks exactly the way Ryan remembers him in all the ways that matter. 

It’s the third time in Ryan’s life that his world re-arranges itself around this strange, kind, beautiful creature and he feels like he’s been struck by lightning. He’s stunned into silence, too focused on taking in every tiny change in his oldest friend’s face. And god, this Shane looks so mesmerizing that Ryan is desperate to remember every wrinkle, every freckle, every dimple.

Shane’s eyes sparkle a little under the full moon above them, and Ryan is hit with a rush of emotion and familiarity so strong and intense that his knees buckle beneath him. Shane’s large hands tighten around his arms and he’s still standing, somehow. 

“Steady, little guy,” Shane says quietly, his voice at least an entire octave deeper than Ryan remembers it and it sends a shiver down his spine, which has nothing to do with the cold night air. And Ryan’s not cold at all anymore, because Shane has always been radiating warmth like an open fucking fireplace. 

“Shane?” he asks, his voice nothing more than a sharp exhale of breath. It’s a stupid thing to ask, but it’s been so long since he’s been able to say his name and actually get a response that Ryan can’t help himself. 

Shane tilts his head to the side and smiles, and it’s so bright than Ryan thinks he must have stars hidden behind his teeth somewhere.

“The one and only,” he says softly, and then his eyes fall to where his hands are touching Ryan’s arms.

“Little guy my ass,” he huffs and his fingers tighten around Ryan’s biceps again. “Look at you, Hulk. I see you’ve been spending the last few years hitting the gym, huh?” 

Ryan laughs at that, completely stunned and incredulous. Because here he is, blushing because of a compliment from his fucking imaginary childhood friend.   
And he still can’t really believe that this is happening – again. He’s once more overcome with another wave of emotions too strong for words, and he’s worried he might actually start tearing up. 

“How- why are you…why are you here?” he asks and his voice is trembling, stumbling over each little word. 

And he needs answers this time. He can’t risk losing Shane again without at least trying to understand all of this. His head hurts already, like it’s collapsing in on itself under the weight of this situation, this paradox. 

“Why do you think?” Shane shoots back almost immediately. 

Ryan frowns and is about to protest, but then he thinks back to four years ago, how he’d been lonely and lost and uncertain. And Shane had been there with his comforting company, gentle encouragement and annoying wisdom, and he’d carefully convinced Ryan to tell his dad about how miserable he’d been at school, something he’d been too afraid to do until then. It had triggered a chain reaction of small miracles that Ryan could never have predicted and it had lead him to Zack. 

And then he thinks about his current situation, how he just can’t find the bravery he needs to finally tell his father the truth about himself. And Ryan sees it now. Shane makes him happy, makes him strong, makes him brave and…

“Because I need you.”

And that’s so clear now, that the only thing in the world that could give him the courage to be honest with his dad is Shane. Or maybe it’s not even that. Maybe he’s got that courage somewhere inside him but he just needs Shane to help him find it. He can’t go forward without Shane giving him this little push. And he thinks this is probably the closest he’s ever gotten to understanding the concept of Shane. 

“I need you,” he says again, more confident this time. The words are simple enough, but Ryan still feels like he’s been looking for them for a decade now. 

“You have me, Ryan,” Shane replies, smiling, “You’ll always have me.”

And the words might be different, but they sound like an echo of something Shane had told him ten years ago.

_You’ll never be alone, Ryan._

Ryan thinks in that moment that it’s a good thing that ribs are cages, because otherwise his heart would probably be beating out of his chest right now.

And he thinks he’s starting to figure something out. There’s a realization sitting somewhere at the outer corners of his mind, trying to materialise into some sort of understanding. 

Shane tugs at the sleeve of his sweater, gently asking for his attention. As if Ryan had been able to notice anything but Shane for the last few minutes. 

“Come on, let’s go home,” he says quietly and starts walking, and Ryan follows, because of course he does. _Home_ , he thinks. Shane said _Home_. And there’s something about that, about _Shane_ and _Home_ and how they sound like the exact same thing in Ryan’s head.

They make their way to Ryan’s house in silence. It’s not because Ryan’s got nothing to say, but because he’s got too much to say, to ask, to confess. He doesn’t know how to prioritize any of his thoughts when Shane’s arm is constantly brushing his as a gentle reminder that he’s there. 

Ryan wonders, not for the first time, how this, how Shane, can feel so real, when he knows that he’s not. How can the hope and warmth in his chest feel so fucking real when he knows for a fact that the source of it all is just his imagination? God, the things he would do for Shane to be made out of flesh and bone.

He steals a glance at his tall friend and sees a soft knowing smile playing around Shane’s lips, like he knows exactly that Ryan is watching him.

“You’re like, freakishly tall,” Ryan says after clearing his throat, and he has no idea why this is the topic he’s decided to approach first. “What’s up with your legs?”

“Oh, these old things?” Shane replies playfully and wiggles his ridiculously long legs a little. “Say what you want, but I can outrun Bigfoot any day on these.” 

“Bigfoot’s not real,” Ryan laughs and shakes his head.

“What? What are you talking about? Of course he’s real,” Shane shoots back, his voice dripping with mock-offense. 

“Oh my god, how can you believe in Bigfoot?”

“How can you _not_ believe in Bigfoot?”

“You know,” Ryan says, his laughter turning into a series of breathless wheezes, “I think you just want to believe in something taller than you.”

“That, my tiny friend, was unnecessarily cruel,” Shane shoots back, an exaggerated expression of hurt and betrayal on his face.

Their fading chuckles accompany them all the way to the front door of Ryan’s house, where he can see that the lights in his dad’s office are still turned on, and it reminds Ryan why this is happening, why Shane is here. It’s so that he can finally step up to his dad and tell him who he really is. He swallows heavily.

“Relax Ry,” Shane whispers and nudges him inside. “You don’t have to do this right now.”

Ryan nods, a little relieved, and quickly lets his dad know that he’s home before crossing the hallway to get to his room, where he lets himself drop face-first onto his bed. He had no idea it was possible to feel so many emotions at once, and it’s absolutely exhausting. He’s nervous and terrified about the life-changing conversation he’s going to have with his dad but at the same time he feels so hopeful and excited at the prospect of not having to hide this part of himself anymore. 

And then there’s Shane, of course, who has come back to him to make this a little easier, to carry some of that burden. And there are still so many questions he has about Shane, and how he is here right now and what the hell that says about Ryan, but there’s one he’s been dying to ask ever since he barrelled into him. It burns in his chest like a wildfire, and he needs to ask this before he suffocates on it. 

He twists his head so that his cheek is pressed into the pillow and looks up at Shane, who’s eyeing him curiously. 

“Will you leave again?” he asks and he knows it sounds accusatory, even though he didn’t mean for it to come out like that. “Once I’ve talked to my dad?” 

There are unshed tears burning behind his eyes, because he thinks he knows the answer. Ryan can see some of his own struggles and emotions reflect in Shane’s eyes, like a hurricane of question marks dancing around in a sea of liquid amber. 

“Ryan…,” Shane sighs and his eyes flicker around the room, looking at anything but Ryan.

“No, seriously,” Ryan says, getting more frustrated every second. “Is that how this is going to work? You come back to help me overcome a personal crisis and then you just, what? Disappear again? For years?” And Ryan thinks his voice is not the only thing that’s breaking in that moment. 

He knows he can’t be angry at Shane for this. If anything, he should be angry at himself. For not being able to make him stay, for still relying on his imaginary childhood friend to come back to him, for fucking inventing him in the first place. 

Shane says nothing, just stands in the middle of Ryan’s room like a centrepiece, with a pained expression on his face, and it’s as loud and clear as any spoken answer. 

“I’m just, really fucking tired of losing you, okay?” he says, completely exhausted, and doesn’t really care if Shane can hear him or not. And he doesn’t know why he’s doing this, why he’s starting this pointless argument that in the end won’t change a fucking thing. Shane is still just a figment of his imagination and he will still leave again sooner or later. 

Shane sighs and is about to say something when there’s a knock on the door. Ryan’s head snaps up at the sound.

“Ryan?” he hears his dad’s voice through the door. 

“Yeah?” Ryan answers hesitantly, trying to sound as normal as he can.

The door opens and his dad enters the room, switching the light on.

“Everything alright? I thought I heard you talking,” he says with a slightly worried expression.

“Oh, uh…” 

He quickly casts a glance towards Shane, who raises his hands in a way that says _Sorry, pal. Can’t help you here._ And Ryan knew this was going to be a problem at some point, that he couldn’t keep talking to an invisible friend without someone getting suspicious. 

“I was just talking to myself, sorry,” he says and the cruel irony of it weighs heavy on his chest. 

And his dad nods, not looking entirely convinced. 

“You okay?” he asks, taking in Ryan’s expression. And Ryan remembers how he’d almost cried just a few moments ago and how it must very clearly still be showing on his face.

He clears his throat and tries to blink the remaining tears away.

“Yeah, just uh, tough day. That’s all. Don’t worry,” he assures his dad and forces a smile that he knows doesn’t reach his eyes. 

Shane snickers at that, “You’re still a shit liar!” 

Ryan almost whips his head back to where Shane is standing to throw some lame comeback his way, or maybe flip him off, when he remembers that he should definitely not do that with his dad around. 

“You sure? You know you can tell me if something’s going on,” his dad says, and Ryan feels bad for having to lie to him. 

He swallows and tries to think of a way to make the worried expression on his father’s face go away.

“You know,” Shane chimes in again and Ryan really wants to tell him to shut up, “Now might be a good time to, you know, talk to him.” 

Ryan stills for a second. He’d been so overcome with so many emotions about Shane being back that he’d completely forgotten for a second _why_ he’s back. And he doesn’t think he’s prepared to have this conversation with his dad now, when his mind is still reeling from the conversation he was just trying to have with Shane. 

“Ryan?” his dad asks again and shit, what is he supposed to do? He could just lie and delay this whole thing until tomorrow. Or he could do it now. 

“You’re ready for this, Ry,” Shane says quietly, “This is your dad, you don’t have to hide from him.” 

Ryan’s gaze flickers back and forth between his dad and Shane. He can feel his heart hammering in his chest, and his stomach is twisting so hard that Ryan thinks he might throw up. 

“Actually uh,” he begins carefully, and he still hasn’t decided how he wants to finish this sentence. 

If he lies now, it would mean he’d have another few hours to prepare himself for this. And he’d have another few hours with Shane. 

“Don’t you dare,” Shane says sharply, knowing exactly what Ryan is thinking. “Don’t you dare lie to him now just because you think it will make me stay.” 

Ryan is tempted to do just that. It’s wrong and twisted, just like everything is with Shane, but he can’t stop himself from wanting to make that stupid decision. Shane never gave him an answer earlier, but his silence had been confirmation enough for Ryan; once Shane’s “job” is done, he’ll disappear. 

“I want you to be happy, and free, and 100% yourself, and I don’t want you to spend even another 12 hours not being all of these things,” Shane pleads with him. 

Ryan takes a deep breath, knowing exactly what he has to do. There’s so much more he wants to ask Shane, so much more he wants to tell him and all the time in the world with him would ever be enough, but he can’t compromise something so important for his imaginary friend. 

“There is something I wanted to tell you, actually. It’s, uh, kinda important,” he says, turning back to his dad, who looks surprised but doesn’t hesitate to step into the room and sit down next to Ryan. 

“Yeah, of course. What’s going on?” 

Ryan takes another deep breath, willing himself to not shy away from saying it this time. He can see Shane observing the conversation with kind eyes and an encouraging smile, and it grounds Ryan a little bit. 

“I’m- I’ve been meaning to tell you about this a while ago but just…the moment was never um, was never right, I guess? And it’s, like I said, it’s kinda important to me, and I hope that you won’t- that you will, understand? And not be, I don’t know, mad or something, I guess?” 

“Did you get suspended from school?” his father asks, eyebrows raised and eyes wide in concern.

“What? No, of course not!”

“Do you need a lot of money?” 

“No, I- It’s nothing like that. I’m not in like, trouble or anything,” Ryan stammers. God, why does this have to be so hard?

“Then what is it?” 

Ryan looks at his dad, and he doesn’t look unkind or upset at all, only curious, concerned and a little bit impatient. 

“Go on then, little guy,” Shane says quietly from across the room, “You’ve got this.”

Ryan gives a tiny nod and exhales all the air from his lungs. 

“Okay, so. What I wanted to say is, I like boys. And girls. I’m uh, I’m bisexual,” he finally says, and for a second he thinks that it almost doesn’t matter how his dad is going to react, because already he feels so much lighter, feels like he can breathe so much easier. And the words are out now, he can’t take them back anymore, can only hope that his dad knows what to do with them. 

His dad blinks a few times and then, to Ryan’s overwhelming relief, he smiles.

“Oh, that- That’s great, Ryan. God, why do you think I would be mad at you?” 

And Ryan chokes out a little watery laugh, his eyes tearing up again, but for very different reasons this time. He can’t say anything, so he just shrugs. 

“Hey, I’m super happy you told me, and I’m so, so proud of you,” his dad says, and puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. It’s the most comforting weight in the world.

“Thank you, dad,” Ryan brings out, and his voice is thick with unshed tears, “I just really wanted you to know this, but I wasn’t sure if…How you would react.”

He looks at his father and sees that apparently, he’s not the only who’s moved to tears by this conversation.

“I love you no matter what, Ryan. Never doubt that.”

He’s pulled into a tight hug, and he’s so full of relief and love for his dad, he feels a little dizzy. And he didn’t know until now just how badly he needed and wanted his dad’s acceptance and reassurance. It means more to him than he thinks he can ever put into words, so he just tightens his arms around his dad’s shoulders and hopes he understands. 

Through his tears, he can see Shane, who smiles at him in a way only he can. And he tries to take all of him in, tries to memorise every inch of Shane, from his large feet to his unruly hair. His heart stutters at the realisation that he doesn’t know if and when he will see Shane again, that he should hope that there will be no need for him to come back. And he knows that he’s saying goodbye to Shane in that moment, for god knows how long, that he’s going back to a life of quiet waiting and hoping and anticipating. But his life will be easier now, with no more heavy secrets between him and his dad, and it’s thanks to Shane. 

_Thank you_ , he mouths silently. Shane’s smile widens a little and he nods, never taking his eyes off Ryan and god, he’s going to miss Shane _so fucking much_. It’s funny how he can get so used to being around Shane again within a few hours, but he can’t get used to missing him even after four years. 

He takes one last look at Shane’s kind face and knows that this is it. He buries his face in the crook of his dad’s neck and closes his eyes, knowing that when he opens them again, Shane will be gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh oh so ryan's starting to understand and it's about to get fucked up, my dudes


End file.
